My students wanted me to dress up as a purple unicorn for Halloween (today). This is it! That's the closest they're going to get to me dressing up as a purple unicorn this year.
Monday, October 31, 2005
A Purple Unicorn for Halloween
My students wanted me to dress up as a purple unicorn for Halloween (today). This is it! That's the closest they're going to get to me dressing up as a purple unicorn this year.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The Light at the End of the Tunnel
I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thankfully. Last weekend, I spoke with my Doctoral adviser twice. Much to my relief and ultimate exuberance, she not only said that the revised first chapter of my dissertation was better, she actually gave it her blessing. Both times she spoke about that revised first chapter, her comments were not all that substantive. But, I should back up and explain the moments (more like seeming aeions) leading up to that point.
In July, I finished submitting the final chapter, Chapter 8, of the first go on my dissertation. And, even this was after much struggle with hoards upon hoards of material. In August of last year, I began, in earnest, working on my disseration. I convinced myself that a six month hiatus from serious philosophical work was reasonable given that in February of last year, I went through gut-wrenching, quite stressful process of studying for and taking four written comprehensive examinations and taking an oral examination defending my responses. Well, luckily, I had narrowed my dissertation topic far enough that I haven't read a bunch of interesting but useless information. That isn't to say that, to date, I haven't read seemingly endless numbers of articles, books, and monographs. In August, I began the painful process of reading each article and writing a critical summary of each article immediately after each reading. How else was I supposed to keep track of everything I was reading?
If that wasn't enough to handle at once, at the same time, I was also teaching and taking a class. I was TAing three sections (of one class) and teaching an entirely different class. One of the classes I taught that fall semester (Fall Semester 2004) was a non-introductory class, for which I had a new prep. That took much additional effort and time.
At any rate, it wasn't until close to the end of the Winter Term, 2005, that I began writing the actual dissertation. The first attempt of my dissertation contained eight chapters. In hindsight, I wrote those chapters with too much going on in my life (working part time at Talbots, getting ready to move, keeping up with friends, etc.) and too much haste. But, to my credit, I did finish one draft of the dissertation before embarking on new territories and a full-time teaching position.
Well, given that life for my husband and me became quite hectic, starting this past July and lasting until relatively recently (the hecticness actually hasn't quite ended yet), the nearly three month dissertation writing hiatus makes sense. Besides just being crazy busy, I had also been experiencing some version of writer's block. I was determined that upon resumption of writing, whatever I wrote and submitted to my Doctoral adviser had to be of a much higher caliber, pedigree, and such. My goal was to make the next draft worlds better than the previous one. I admitted to my adviser soon before leaving Mizzou and Columbia that I wasn't sure what to write. In fact, I didn't want to fail again. One of the last comments she gave me before I departed was that "it will come." She was trying to tell me that I would eventually figure out what to write.
Sure enough, she was right. Once I figured out how to revamp the first Chapter, which, to me involved the most challenging work (in comparison with the other chapters to follwo), the writing came pretty easily. It certainly no longer felt like root canal work. And, like any true revision, my revised first chapter looks nothing at all like my original first chapter. I kept little to nothing of the content of the original first chapter. Since she approves of the revised first chapter, I'm feeling quite good now of the direction I will take in the remaining four chapters. Yes, the number of chapters have changed since the first draft.
I feel encouraged. I feel on top of the world. Graduation is something I can kind of, sort of, see happening. My goal and determination is to complete this revision by the end of November. That means I have a lot of hard, diligent, brain-splitting work to do in the next month and a week. Then, my plan is to discuss my Doctoral adviser's final comments, so I can make some more corrections before my dissertation goes to the rest of my committee.
In July, I finished submitting the final chapter, Chapter 8, of the first go on my dissertation. And, even this was after much struggle with hoards upon hoards of material. In August of last year, I began, in earnest, working on my disseration. I convinced myself that a six month hiatus from serious philosophical work was reasonable given that in February of last year, I went through gut-wrenching, quite stressful process of studying for and taking four written comprehensive examinations and taking an oral examination defending my responses. Well, luckily, I had narrowed my dissertation topic far enough that I haven't read a bunch of interesting but useless information. That isn't to say that, to date, I haven't read seemingly endless numbers of articles, books, and monographs. In August, I began the painful process of reading each article and writing a critical summary of each article immediately after each reading. How else was I supposed to keep track of everything I was reading?
If that wasn't enough to handle at once, at the same time, I was also teaching and taking a class. I was TAing three sections (of one class) and teaching an entirely different class. One of the classes I taught that fall semester (Fall Semester 2004) was a non-introductory class, for which I had a new prep. That took much additional effort and time.
At any rate, it wasn't until close to the end of the Winter Term, 2005, that I began writing the actual dissertation. The first attempt of my dissertation contained eight chapters. In hindsight, I wrote those chapters with too much going on in my life (working part time at Talbots, getting ready to move, keeping up with friends, etc.) and too much haste. But, to my credit, I did finish one draft of the dissertation before embarking on new territories and a full-time teaching position.
Well, given that life for my husband and me became quite hectic, starting this past July and lasting until relatively recently (the hecticness actually hasn't quite ended yet), the nearly three month dissertation writing hiatus makes sense. Besides just being crazy busy, I had also been experiencing some version of writer's block. I was determined that upon resumption of writing, whatever I wrote and submitted to my Doctoral adviser had to be of a much higher caliber, pedigree, and such. My goal was to make the next draft worlds better than the previous one. I admitted to my adviser soon before leaving Mizzou and Columbia that I wasn't sure what to write. In fact, I didn't want to fail again. One of the last comments she gave me before I departed was that "it will come." She was trying to tell me that I would eventually figure out what to write.
Sure enough, she was right. Once I figured out how to revamp the first Chapter, which, to me involved the most challenging work (in comparison with the other chapters to follwo), the writing came pretty easily. It certainly no longer felt like root canal work. And, like any true revision, my revised first chapter looks nothing at all like my original first chapter. I kept little to nothing of the content of the original first chapter. Since she approves of the revised first chapter, I'm feeling quite good now of the direction I will take in the remaining four chapters. Yes, the number of chapters have changed since the first draft.
I feel encouraged. I feel on top of the world. Graduation is something I can kind of, sort of, see happening. My goal and determination is to complete this revision by the end of November. That means I have a lot of hard, diligent, brain-splitting work to do in the next month and a week. Then, my plan is to discuss my Doctoral adviser's final comments, so I can make some more corrections before my dissertation goes to the rest of my committee.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Raging Hormones
Since last night, I began to sense that something was changing. I couldn't quite figure out what that something was. It's just that I knew I was a bit more sensitive than usual and that a lot of things were bothering me. This morning, the same sort of thing was and is occurring. I'm extremely sensitive. This is a bit strange to describe in words, but I am easily moved, even by that which has no direct relation to me. Much is capable of moving me (possibly to tears) at this point. Then, I realized the time of the month it is for me. And, all becomes much clearer. I'm going through hormonal fluctuations that comes once every three weeks, whether I like it or not, whether I'm ready or not. Other things could genuinely be going wrong, but I'm more sensitive than usual. Ah, hah; I've discovered the culprit. In hindsight, I know that I've been experiencing hormonal changes since yesterday. That's why things have been bothering me more than usual. Why is it that hormonal changes affect women the way they do? Seems to be more of a curse, not only to the individual experiencing the changes but also to those around the individual, than anything else. Is there any way to control or adjust to the hormonal fluctuations?
Obliviousness that is SO ANNOYING!
Everyday, soon after I get up, I put away the dishes washed the night before. My husband washes the dishes right before going to bed. Every morning, lately, various dishes are dirty even after he has "washed" them. Plates are still rough towards the center and crusty on the side, the lids of coffee decanters still have coffee residues on them, and other kitchenware have remnants of what them contained the previous day. Supposedly, he's been scrubbing those dishes harder, but dishes still come out dirty, day after day after day. Yet, briefly taking the rough, green side of the sponge to the dish and the dirtiness quickly goes away at my hand. Go figure.
He washed clothes some time over the weekend. And, four days later, the clothes are still sitting in his basket, not put away. Over a week ago, our previous landlord sent us a letter, claiming we owe her over $500. With her trying to take unfair advantage of us, my husband is in charge of contacting her (by mail is my preference), and he still has not written her a letter. In the meantime, she refuses to give back our $575 deposit. My husband waits forever to get anything done!!! He spends a fair portion of the day lost in thought and working on research (that may not get published any time soon, given the controversy over his research interest), but very little time doing what's practically important.
Though I'm teaching full time and I am finishing my dissertation, I'm still taking a large chunk of time (full-time, I'd say) taking care of our home. Some of those things, I enjoy doing, since I like matters done in a timely fashion; for instance, I pay bills. But, other things, cleaning up after my husband has been in the kitchen (wiping countertops, putting away unused items, rewashing what wasn't cleaned well the first time), I don't enjoy doing. And, such activities eat up a significant amount of time. For my husband to bag up any garbage at all, he has to be asked to do so. I end up barreling the trash to the curb more than he does, and if he's not reminded to roll the garbage out other times, he'll forget. He leaves lights on as he finishes and exists rooms; he leaves computers on (including leaving monitors on) after he's done using them. My husband's obliviousness and absentmindedness is so annoying and costly sometimes!
What's offensive and annoying about his absentmindedness is partly the waste of resources, but mostly, I take that as he doesn't really care about me. All that matters in this world is him. He's consumed by his own interests, and nothing else and no one else interest him. In fact, lately, when I am speaking with my husband, he has not been listening. You'd think I'd learn the first ten thousand times and give up trying to talk to him. But, crazy as this seems, there's a deep yearning to connect with him. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.
He washed clothes some time over the weekend. And, four days later, the clothes are still sitting in his basket, not put away. Over a week ago, our previous landlord sent us a letter, claiming we owe her over $500. With her trying to take unfair advantage of us, my husband is in charge of contacting her (by mail is my preference), and he still has not written her a letter. In the meantime, she refuses to give back our $575 deposit. My husband waits forever to get anything done!!! He spends a fair portion of the day lost in thought and working on research (that may not get published any time soon, given the controversy over his research interest), but very little time doing what's practically important.
Though I'm teaching full time and I am finishing my dissertation, I'm still taking a large chunk of time (full-time, I'd say) taking care of our home. Some of those things, I enjoy doing, since I like matters done in a timely fashion; for instance, I pay bills. But, other things, cleaning up after my husband has been in the kitchen (wiping countertops, putting away unused items, rewashing what wasn't cleaned well the first time), I don't enjoy doing. And, such activities eat up a significant amount of time. For my husband to bag up any garbage at all, he has to be asked to do so. I end up barreling the trash to the curb more than he does, and if he's not reminded to roll the garbage out other times, he'll forget. He leaves lights on as he finishes and exists rooms; he leaves computers on (including leaving monitors on) after he's done using them. My husband's obliviousness and absentmindedness is so annoying and costly sometimes!
What's offensive and annoying about his absentmindedness is partly the waste of resources, but mostly, I take that as he doesn't really care about me. All that matters in this world is him. He's consumed by his own interests, and nothing else and no one else interest him. In fact, lately, when I am speaking with my husband, he has not been listening. You'd think I'd learn the first ten thousand times and give up trying to talk to him. But, crazy as this seems, there's a deep yearning to connect with him. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
When Silence is the Most Unwelcomed Guest
A huge pet-peeve of mine is after having poured out a bunch of information about current frustrations to a very close person, the person responds with little to no words. Are you kidding me? I just poured my heart out to you, and all you can muster to say is, "that's interesting." I spent a good chunk of energy and time explaining some matters that are very frustrating to me, and this person doesn't say anything that indicates he was even listening! I would get just as much response talking to a rock or my cat as him. He told me to just assume that he is listening.
I'm going to steal a few lines from the movie "Sabrina" for a moment. As Maude, in "Sabrina" says, "Do I look stupid? You know, I never thought of myself as stupid. But maybe I am."
What? No! - I'm not going to assume that he's listening. Too many times (and yes, I do mean too many times) I've spoken with him, and he has had no idea what I have said. Other people have had the same frustrations with him. I can't simply assume that he's actually listening when he says nothing, because I'll end up being wrong most of the time. It's hard to not take to heart that he spends a lot of time ignoring what I tell him, because he's supposed to be my significant other. He's supposed to care. How is he supposed to care, if he's not aware of that about which he's supposed to care? Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! I'm so utterly frustrated. Sometimes I just want to give up confiding in him. Waste of his time? Forget that, talking with him is a total waste of my time and energy. What's the point in talking with him if he's only going to listen %10 percent of the time?
Yet, I'm stuck. We're together. I promised to stay with him.
Seriously, why can't he learn to listen? If I'm coming to him at a bad time (which is probably most of the time), why won't he say something? Why does he let me continue talking and not listen when he knows he's the only audience. Wonder whether he enjoys the same being done to him, not listening to him when he's trying in earnest to share something.
Listen! Speak like you've actually heard what has been said and what is being said. For Pete's sake.
I'm going to steal a few lines from the movie "Sabrina" for a moment. As Maude, in "Sabrina" says, "Do I look stupid? You know, I never thought of myself as stupid. But maybe I am."
What? No! - I'm not going to assume that he's listening. Too many times (and yes, I do mean too many times) I've spoken with him, and he has had no idea what I have said. Other people have had the same frustrations with him. I can't simply assume that he's actually listening when he says nothing, because I'll end up being wrong most of the time. It's hard to not take to heart that he spends a lot of time ignoring what I tell him, because he's supposed to be my significant other. He's supposed to care. How is he supposed to care, if he's not aware of that about which he's supposed to care? Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! I'm so utterly frustrated. Sometimes I just want to give up confiding in him. Waste of his time? Forget that, talking with him is a total waste of my time and energy. What's the point in talking with him if he's only going to listen %10 percent of the time?
Yet, I'm stuck. We're together. I promised to stay with him.
Seriously, why can't he learn to listen? If I'm coming to him at a bad time (which is probably most of the time), why won't he say something? Why does he let me continue talking and not listen when he knows he's the only audience. Wonder whether he enjoys the same being done to him, not listening to him when he's trying in earnest to share something.
Listen! Speak like you've actually heard what has been said and what is being said. For Pete's sake.
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