I'M SO MAD!

This is one of those days where most everything seems to be going haywire. My husband and I moved just over a month ago. Well, today, I heard from my former landlord. Not only are we seeing none of th $575 deposit we put into the place we rented from her, but she's alleging that we owe an additional $595.79. All in all, she's expecting us to give her $1170.79, and for what?! She claims: carpet cleaning, painting (for $775!-this is just a duplex), cleaning, and replacing all blinds, doorstops, lightbulbs, etc. Painting?!! I don't remember that being a part of lease, where she was going to take out money for painting the place, much less $775! And cleaning? What sort of cleaning was done such that the cost was $120? Why in the world did I bother vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the appliances, etc., if she was going to charge us for cleaning? Why did she have to replace all blinds, doorstops, lightbulbs, etc.? She didn't seem to replace all blinds when we moved in that place; in fact, the livingroom blinds failed to work soon after we moved there! Lightbulbs?! They were all working when we left that place; I made sure of it! She took total advantage of us.

On top of all that, I'm frustrated, because lately I'm dealing more with class disorder than teaching. My job is to teach, not to babysit. Instead, especially in one of my classes, my students talk and chit-chat in a way that's disruptive. Yet, I don't quite want to say something every time I hear people talk. If they genuinely are dialoguing about the material, I don't mind. Also, a number of my students do not seem to know English as well as they should (students appear to be bilingual, but English seems to be functioning as a second language for them), and I don't want to interrupt any translating help they're offering one another. This is week five of classes, and I'm still having students tell me about how they still don't have a book for the class, and this, that, and the other. My students are performing poorly on their quizzes - open note quizzes! - yet enough of them act as if class time is play time. Not all of them are reading the text (even though a large chunk of their grade depends on it), a number of them aren't paying attention in class, few of them are taking careful notes in lecture, the story goes on. If I weren't a teacher who cared so much about how well my students do, maybe this wouldn't matter as much. But, I take their performance (or poor performance) personally!

Then, this dissertation things is really bugging me. In the end, it's my ugly battle to fight. And, guess what? I'm losing! I'm not getting very far and I'm moving quite slowly. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Please! I'd like to see some positive occurrences in my life. I'd like some indication that it's not a complete flop. Bitte schon.

Choose an easy way out & you're on your own

I felt the Lord spoke truth into my current life situation this morning during service. The jist of what I was hearing included a few noteworthy points. First, God never promised an easy road for us as Christians. I understand that, at least cognitively. I suppose realizing and accepting it experientially is more of a challenge. Second, those trying times are opportunities for us to grow and mature as Christians. Never has it been my experience that people's faith stays the same with difficult roads and challenges. We either strengthen as Christians or we weaken as Christians. We have a chance to respond appropriately to the uncomfortable challenge and seemingly unwelcomed adventure. That is, we have a chance to turn to the Lord for strength and wisdom and to recognize the limitations and weaknesses of our own abilities. Third, and very closely related to the second, we have a chance the see what the Lord wants to do with our lives and observe God's working in our lives.

Instead of running from the tough road - struggles over progressing in my dissertation work (and finishing my Doctorate), transitioning to a new place and job - I need to accept that this is my road to take. Forward is the direction I need to walk on this road. And, I need to pray that I learn what God wants to teach me. Moreover, I need to pray for his wisdom and pray that I can and will lean on Him for strength. Journey forward!

The sermon was based on 1 Samuel 13: 1-14. The main points made about the passage are as follows. Israel had desperately wanted a king. And, even though that was not the wisest to have, God gave Israel what they wanted so badly. Saul was Israel's first king. But, Saul had to agree to rule to the glory of God. In Chapter 13 of 1 Samuel, Saul was preparing for war, but Samuel instructed and warned to wait for his (Samuel's) arrival before making any moves. The winning of this war was to be to God's glory, not to Saul's glory. Samuel told Saul he would arrive on the eighth day. The eighth day came and went, with no sight of Samuel. With his men scattering, Saul grew increasingly anxious and decided to sacrifice the burnt offering himself. Soon after performing the sacrifice, Samuel arrived and asked Saul what he had done. Long story short, though Saul won the battle, he won the battle for himself and not for the Lord. Due to his haste and lack of patience (perhaps it was more of a trust issue), the Lord decided not to have his lineage go through Saul. What a loss to Saul for not trusting that the Lord would take care of him in this battle.

I want to trust that the Lord will take care of me and see me through this current battle. I do not want to miss out on what God wants to do with my life by looking for an easy way out of this battle. I further do not want to lose out on the opportunity to see God working in my life (such as seeing and understanding why God led me here for particular reasons).

Blogging as a way of connecting with people in the world

Earlier today, I was speaking with a really good friend of mine. Amongst numerous conversation topics, she mentioned that she was wondering about why I had a sudden recent curiosity with blogs. In fact, at this time, I have four blogs. Before, I had heard about blogs, but I never really had any inkling or motivation to dip into the world of blogs. Perhaps I was too busy with other things. Actually, that is at least partially true. I had enough of a hard time balancing my own work with meeting with various friends. I am never too busy for friends. However, the idea of meeting new friends, via blog or any other means, did not appeal to me. Or maybe so many other miscellanous obligations, activities, and engagements blocked my view, I did not see much beyond the sea of activities whirring around me. I cannot put my finger exactly on the culprit.

However, my dear friend probably had at least a couple of observations correct. First, I'm a very social being. And, still being new to this place (new life in a different city and state), I haven't had the chance to form a network of friends with whom I can feed my ever social tendencies.

Well, I started my first blog when I was trying to respond to a best friend of my husband's blog. At the time, his blog was set up in such a way that only those who have blog accounts could comment. I, ofcourse, wanted to support his work in setting up his first blog. So, I signed up for an account. In doing so, though, I wanted to begin with a meaningful subject, and that I did. From there, I e-mailed the blog address to all our friends, the ones we recently left behind and the ones we've made elsewhere as well.

Then, my latest addiction was born. I have grown into a person that desires organization. Eventually, I wanted to be able to write about topics and matters that stretched beyond the first blog I started. As I was working on my first blog and the subsequent ones, I slowly realized that I have no idea how many people are actually accessing my writings. Well, I know of those who leave comments. But, aside from that, I have little idea who is or is not reading my postings. A part of this blogging business is quite mysterious, and a lot of the users (of the blogs) are anonymous. That makes this all the more interesting.

Besides curiosity with the unknown, I also am experiencing this extreme childlike excitement, always wanting to check to see if anyone left comments with my postings. I'm eager when someone has said something. But, I'm sad and disappointed when no one has left any comments. I feel saddened that no one has recently taken a look at my profile or been stirred by my postings. That shows, I suppose, how new I am to blogging. Soon, I surmise, the intense excitement of possibly meeting new people, whether here in the United States or elsewhere in the world, will subside.

How, I wonder, though would strangers to me find my blog? Just for fun, I tried looking at "random" blogs. I don't know how Google! generates random blogs, but mine never came up. I also tried looking up the name with which I am posting. Many other possibilities arose, but I didn't find me. Seemingly, my blogs wouldn't be that easily discovered, in part, because millions of blogs are out there. Well, there it is.

Age Sobriety and a Dose of Reality

A week ago today, I turned thirty. Thirty did not come with any ease. That is three decades I have been in existence in this world. Since I was young, I have often been plagued with the likelihood that I have lived way to much of life doing stuff for me and not enough for others. With the anniversary of my thirtieth year, I feel the weight of that responsibility with great fear. I see me (and all of us) as a steward on this earth. I'm not representing myself and doing my own thing. I'm supposed to be glorifying God and attempting to restore the image of God, in which all of us (people) were created. Well, my analysis of progress on my stewardship is that I have accomplished little to nothing.

What have I spent my life doing? Well, I've been in school most of my life so far. Since I was four and a half, I've been in school, counting from Kindergarten. However, if the count starts with preschool, I started even earlier than that. And, I am still in school, completing a Doctorate at this juncture, but still in school nevertheless. Sure, I have done other things during my life. To mention a few more recent events, I facilitated a discussion group, consisting of faculty members and students, this summer. As a facilitator or leader of a group, I feel the responsibility of quickly gaging the needs of the group as a whole. Pedagogically, leading every group the same exact way is ineffect. In this group, in particular, the members of the group were able to understand the arguments presented in each chapter on their own, even though writers of each chapter moved quite quickly. So, I derived general questions for the attendees, that pulled together the content of the material for the week, yet provoked them further into insight. I'm about to start another discussion group, going over the same book. I will have to figure out the dynamic of this group, seeing how a large number will constitute undergraduate students. Perhaps, I will have to do more teaching than discussing. Then, I am attending another discussion group, reading about aesthetics and morality, written by a Scottish philosopher by the name of Hutchinson.

Besides being a student, teaching classes, and attending or leading groups, I do other things too, but many of them seem to be activities I am interested in pursuing . . . taking photography to the next level, managing my new blogs, shopping, possibly taking yoga, lifting weights, finishing my dissertation, making new friends (we recently moved). It's about me, me, me! How repulsive.

Life is more important than me. Helping others is important, for one. Many in this world suffer, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I need to take care of them. That is not to say that others can't take care of themselves, but, we should help each other out. That's part and parcel to being a good steward here on this earth.

As certain as I am that going to die some day, I am certain that I will face God some day. He already knows what I have done and he knows what I will do. But, I will face Him with what I have and have not done. But, fear of God isn't the only feeling or motivation driving me to seek to do better with my life, by other people (also God's children) are worthy in and of themselves. Whatever race, gender, wealth, belief-preferences - everyone is a child of God. And, we need to treat them as such.

Part of my problem is that I do not know what actions constitute bringing glory to God's kingdom. I don't know whether being more than just an instructor to my university students, but also, being a good role model is what I should do. I go way above the call of duty for my students. But, somehow, I sense that that is not enough. What else should I do?

Jesus did not begin his ministry until he was thirty. And in ancient times, people were not considered adults until the age of thirty. Only in relatively recent times, has the adult age been as young as it is, whether eighteen or twenty-one.

But, the problem is, I don't know what my "ministry" is supposed to be. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to be so focused on my own life and my own desires that I miss hearing what God wants me to do. This is a snapshot of my current thoughts and sustained worries (or concerns).

Why oh why the struggle over how I look?

I confess that the standard by which I look at others and the standard by whicl I look at myself are completely different. I'm not really certain what the standard for looking and examining myself is, but I don't meet it most of the time. As for others, I see people in general as beautiful. I'm fascinated with people: how they dress, how people carry themselves, how people interact with one another. People of varying characteristics - gender, race, size, shape, curvatures, whatever - are all creatures of beauty. For instance, my husband and I were walking along a beach, and I simply drank in the breath-taking wonders of nature and looked with joy at the numerous people scattered across the beach.

The story about me is not so fascinating. I struggle with not being whatever I believe society expects me to look. On the one hand, I desire to look extremely attractive. But what does that mean? I don't look like the stick thin models in J. Crew or Banana Republic magazines. I sure as heck don't look anything like the models in beauty magazines, like Vogue or Cosmopolitan. I certainly have a woman's body, fully equipped with boobs, a tummy, and hips. I've been lifting weights for six years in the running, so I might appear a bit buffer than average woman. In terms of physical upkeep of myself, I try to eat well and exercise regularly. But, I get the feeling that that's not enough. I need to be toothpick thin, lose any semblance of a tummy, and become thinner. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

My closest friends and even my spouse get tired of hearing that I feel fat, and I don't blame them at all (I would probably respond the same way in their position). The response is almost unanimous. I'm not fat and I need to stop worrying about it and stop thinking about it. They can't believe that someone like me would buy into thinking of myself as fat. Okay, okay, so I see that there is a disparity between how I see myself and how others see myself. But, I don't know how to close the gap. I certainly don't want to waste my time or energy feeling this way. I'd rather have one less thing about which to worry. What is the solution?

Dissertation Weariness and Frustrations

I want to graduate so desperately. Once I finish my dissertation and defend it, I'm done. I'll have a Doctorate. I'm so close yet so far away from finishing.

Earlier in the summer, I submitted a complete rough draft. But, here I am, stuck in a rutt, and I am having the toughest time pulling myself out of this deplorable situation. Yes, yes, I have all sorts of understandable excuses - my husband, our cat, and I made a 1200 mile move less than a month ago. We're in a new home, in a new community (we have friends all over the place, but not here, not yet), in new jobs. This move has turned my world inside out and upside down.

Excuses aside, I need to get my dissertation done! I don't have any excuses I want to use in lingering. I actually want to finish. However, I also don't want to submit crap or junk to my dissertation adviser. That has already been done, with the first draft. This one has to be better. But how? Wasting the time and energy of everyone involved is not my game, but how do I know whether I've written something worthy to be read by someone else, especially my dissertation adviser?! Somebody throw me a bone, quick!

My dissertation topic actually is of tremendous interest to me. That's not the problem. How do I organize all those articles and books I read into a coherent and interesting book? I have such little respect for my writing, I don't even want to show what I've written so far in this revision to my husband.

I'm overwhelmed with various feelings and desires: the desire to finish (but realizing that I'm not finishing as soon as I had hoped), the feeling that my writing stinks, my fear of failure, my desire to communicate the importance of my dissertation topic. If this is in some way a test God's using to grow me, I'm a terrible sport and I think I'm failing so far. I certainly can't do this on my own. Okay Lord, it's all you. I'm being totally serious here.